can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
