The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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