I molested 6 butterflies tonight
4 words: hood of his car
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize