We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
sick fucks of a feather flock together
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
