you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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