So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
