meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I looked at my own cervix.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
