careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
