dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
