wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
