my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
