He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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