bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
should my penis look like a turkey
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
