Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Randomize
