someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
