I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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