Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize