Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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