Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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