Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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