I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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