Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
