My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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