i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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