i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
