that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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