you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
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