Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
