I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
