walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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