My hair reeks of homosexuality.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize