I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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