did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
she woke up with a sticky ear
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
