8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
