I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
