I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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