Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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