Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
