From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize