God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
