So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
