twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
