my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
