Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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