I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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