i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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