he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize