i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
