I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
