areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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