my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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