Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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