May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
