nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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