im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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