I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
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