are you so shy because you have an std?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
