I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
