When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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