I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
