im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize