Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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