I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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