i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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