I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
