the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
