we have pet lesbian snakes
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
